


Sleeping Beauty?

by Furorscribiendi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:22:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furorscribiendi/pseuds/Furorscribiendi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning reader, danger! Danger! My own demented, twisted take on Sleeping Beauty – Harry Potter style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleeping Beauty?

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired y a challenged from Beloved Enemies, from way back in the day (way back in the day being at some point in 2005); the challenge was:
> 
>  
> 
> _#206 – Fic based loosely on the Sleeping Beauty – Voldie as the evil witch, Harry as the Sleeping Beauty and Lucius as the Prince. (Delfeus)_
> 
>  
> 
> This is one of my takes on it. I had written up a plot outline for a good serious take on this fairy tale but, alas, I have forgotten it and lost the written plot.

______________________________________

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Gryffindor, there was-

Lucius: I refuse to partake in something that has such a tacky and tasteless beginning. Wretch Muggle wastes too much of her time…

I’ll make you suffer more then if you don’t cooperate. *clears throat* Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Gryffindor, there was a king and queen by the names of James and Lily. They were good rulers, fair and just, and lacking for nothing… except for a child. They tried for many years-

James: Hooo yeah!

Lily: *goes red* James!

Grrr….shut up! *glares* They tried for many years and finally, Queen Lily had a child; a baby boy. She was really hoping for a girl, but she still loved him all the same. Before she could give him a boy’s name that obviously sounded like a girl’s – such as Dana, Ashley or one of many others – King James named him. Their son was named Harold James Potter, or Harry for short.

Lily: *mutters* I still think Ashley was fine. You just named him after yourself James.

James: *looking nervous* What? Of course not Lily. I named him after your grandfather. His name was Harold…right?

Lily:*in a deadpan voice* It was Herbert.

James: Crap.

As I was saying, the boy was named Harold James Potter, or Harry in short. King James and Queen Lily were thrilled to finally have a child. King James was pleased because he finally had an heir and didn’t have to pay off some massive dowry. And Queen Lily was pleased because Harry was such a pretty, pretty baby and-

Harry: Pretty? *makes a face*

*sigh* Adorable?

Harry: That’ll do…I guess.

All right then. Now, because Harry was such a pretty…er, I mean adorable baby, and they finally had a child, they decided to throw a lavish banquet in honor of Harry’s birth. They made the plans and invited all those pompous windbags from their own land, as well as the realms of Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin….though King James wanted to prank King Malfoy and have a good laugh since he was an especially pompous windbag, but Queen Lily wouldn’t let him.

James: Spoilsport. *pouts*

Lily: *throws up hands* Men!

Anyways, most of the people they invited were pompous windbags, barring the Malfoys – arrogant yes, windbags, no – and –

Lucius: *narrows eyes* I beg your pardon?

I’m not retracting that. And the Snapes – they’re just mule-headed and a touch too proud; not the same thing as pompous.

Severus: Excuse me?

For what? It’s the truth! Anyhow, everyone was invited as well as the twelve fairies. The-

Voldemort: *shrieks* Thirteen! Thirteen!!

For Christ’s sake, I’m getting there! Sheesh! Now, twelve fairies were invited. However, with the location of the thirteenth fairy unknown, she-

Voldemort: *hisses* He!

Uh, yeah, whatever…he wasn’t invited. That or the messenger pigeon got lost. Or it was, quite possibly, eaten by a fox or some other hungry animal. A wide number of things could have happened to it but the point is that the thirteenth fairy didn’t get the invitation and she-

Voldemort: *growls and aims wand* He, damnit!

Look, who’s writing this?! Fine, you know what? I was gonna be nice to you, but now, I dub thee to be the ugly old hag in large robes! Let this be a lesson to you all! *glares* Now then, the thirteenth fairy, who just happened to be an ugly old hag wasn’t invited. So when the night of the banquet came, she decided to crash it. Why? Was it because she was lonely? Was it because she wanted a hug? To go and shake some hag booty?

James: Ew!! Gross!

Lucius: *looks highly disgusted yet somehow amused* Voldemort has booty?

*takes a deep breath* Or maybe he wanted to get good and liquored up? No, my readers, the reason was-

Voldemort: *in a throaty voice* Revenge! Glorious revenge! Muahahaha!! *continues cackling*

Harry: Man, that was just pathetic.

Voldemort: Look, you disgusting little-

Damn… the snake man, er, fairy practically took the words from my mouth. But, revenge! That was the fairy’s reason. And so, eleven of the fairies gave baby Harry their gifts; he was endowed with grace, beauty, the ability to dance-

Harry: Grace? Beauty? Ability to dance? Those are for girls! Why didn’t I get something better? Like stealth and dueling skills? Or even how to ride a thestral!

That’s because all these fairies happened to be related to Dumbledore. Need I say anymore?

Lucius: *snorts* That explains far too much

Harry: *slight reluctance* Yeah, it does.

*grumbles* Fine, fine. The fairies endowed Harry with all the things a young boy would need – don’t ask, it’d be a long list – and before the fairy still lingering at the dinner table could rise to say anything, the thirteenth fairy stomped up to baby Harry’s burgundy and gold bassinet in a very commanding and threatening manner.

Voldemort: *mutters* I should hope so.

And with her dramatic moment at its peak, she then cursed baby Harry with-

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! The end of the bastardized fairy tale!

No… the thirteenth fairy was pretty livid about not being invited due to-

James: Horrible fashion sense?

Lily: A terrible attitude?

Nope. The thirteenth fairy felt horribly slighted and took every little thing personally. Plus she was a bit melodramatic and something of a kitschy diva of a fairy. So, still stinging from the slight, she cursed baby Harry to die by pricking his finger on a spindle of a spinning wheel on his nineteenth birthday.

Harry: Nuh-uh. No way are you catching me near anyone of those things! They don’t even exist anymore.

They do for the fairy tale. And so, once the fairy cursed Harry, she gave a manical laugh and Disapparated from the banquet, leaving behind her ominous laugh. See? Melodramatic.

Voldemort: Oi! HE!!

Yeah, sure, whatever. But the last fairy that had yet to bestow anything made her way from the table to Harry’s bassinet, tripping over a few feet as she went. While she couldn’t remove the curse, she altered it enough to make it so that Harry didn’t die but fell into a deep sleep. And she also cast another spell that would cause everyone in the kingdom to fall asleep along with Harry. Didn’t see fit to tell anyone of what she saw as a stroke of genius, but she did it nonetheless. She also made it so that Harry would sleep until he received true love’s first kiss.

Harry: *groans* This has disaster written all over it.

Lucius: I concur.

Don’t make me put you both in frilly dresses. Anyhow, with the party effectively ruined for the most part by a melodramatic and touchy fairy, every one of the guests offered their condolences and then beat a hasty retreat back to their homes. Needless to say, the event was talked about for a few years afterwards.

The very next day, King James banished the use of spinning wheels in the country. He didn’t want to lose his only heir and Queen Lily certainly didn’t want to lose her pretty, I mean, adorable little boy. Much less have him die in such a manner. Besides, the way King James saw it, King Lucius would snap up his realm in a matter of moments and he certainly couldn’t have that happening.

James: Damn right!!

Lucius: Scared one of us would do a better job?

Severus: You know he is.

James: What are you doing here Snivellus? I thought-

No teasing. Or I’ll stick one of you in a frilly pink tutu and have you sing ‘I’m a Little Teapot’. Understand? Good. Anyhow, with all the spinning wheels destroyed, King James and Queen Lily rested a bit easier. And so baby Harry grew up. Along with his playmates Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger –

Ron: Oi! That’s all we get?! A mention?!

*irritated sigh* I’m the author, I do what I want. Deal with it. Along with his playmates Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, they caused a general ruckus wherever they went. As they got older, this became a serious problem as they took to sneaking off at night and robbing from the rich to give to the poor and –

Hermione: That’s the wrong tale. This is supposed to be Sleeping Beauty, not Robin Hood.

……… Creative license, all right? They went about their days like normal brats, I mean teenagers and had a little pseudo-Robin Hood gig on the side.

Hermione: *rubbing chin* I suppose that’s all right.

Ron: Yeah! Haha, rob the ferret at wand point and –

Hermione: That’s not really relevant Ron. She might be using it as a plot point and –

Gah! Shut up! You’ll give something away! *snorts* Anyway, this continued on right up until Harry’s nineteenth birthday. It was especially even more convenient that Harry, Ron and Hermione snuck out. King James and Queen Lily were easily able to plan the surprise party that they wanted for Harry. But they wanted to make it surprise party which meant a secret. And Harry could never pass up something to dig up. Alas, thanks to the skills learned from the pseudo-Robin Hood gig, the trio easily snuck back into the castle and watched as the preparations were being completed.

And that’s when the thirteenth fairy made her, erm, his, move.

Voldemort: *grumbles while stroking wand*

Harry managed to slip away from Hermione and Ron. He was making his way to the kitchens to grab a snack when he heard a voice calling him from a dusty looking hallway; it looked like it hadn’t been used in years.

Lucius: *in a dry tone* Oh, how very convenient.

Isn’t it? Anyway, even though Harry was a bit unsure, he still decided to walk down the hallway. What he found was an equally dusty staircase leading up to some tower. So he climbed up the stairs to the highest room in the tallest tower –

Hermione: Isn’t that from Shrek?

Ron: Shrek? What’s that?

Harry: *groans* This is an utter disaster. She’s used Robin Hood and stolen something from a movie –

It’s the truth! It’s always the highest room in the tallest tower! This is no exception. And it’s not stealing; it’s artistic tribute. Besides, I’m not making money off of it. As I was saying, he climbed up to the highest room in the tallest tower and found a dusty old room.

Lucius: How original.

Severus: *grimace* Isn’t it? I expect the dust will magically vanish somehow.

*pout* You’re ruining my fun. Where was I? Ah, right. In the dusty old room was a bed with the curtains drawn and a spinning wheel. And seated at the spinning old wheel, on a rickety old stool, was a wrinkly old man who –

Voldemort: Do I look wrinkly to you Muggle?

Fine, I concede that point. Seated at the spinning wheel was a rail thin snake man who was mumbling to himself in a most disturbing manner. Harry walked into the room, looking around curiously. He walked over to the window and opened it, making all the dust magically disappear.

Severus: *smug smirk*

………I will not comment. Anyway, Harry turned his attention back to the spinning wheel. Rather curious now, he stood beside the old man and watched as the wool was changed into thread. After awhile, the snake man gave a secretive sort of smile and rose from the stool. Harry took the offered spot and watched as the snake man continued to make thread. What he also just happened to notice was the pretty, pretty pointed spindle.

And, like in all good fairytales my friend, Harry fell victim to a moment of stupidness.

Lucius: That’s hardly his fault as you are the one writing this.

Harry: *enthusiastically* Yeah! *pauses* Um… thanks Lucius?

Lucius: *slides Harry a look*

I’ll conveniently ignore that. And in this moment of stupidness, Harry reached out for the spindle. The snake man looked more and more ecstatic as Harry’s finger drew closer. Even though the windows were wide open, Harry failed to notice the freaky shit that was occurring outside that would have told him this was a very bad idea. The usual stuff, dark clouds coming out of nowhere, animals fleeing in terror, lots of wind, that kind of thing. And for any smart asses out there, no, it was not a hurricane/typhoon or any other possible sort of weather phenomenon.

And with usual timing, the door to the tower burst open, with Hermione and Ron struggling to get through at the same. This was right at the same moment that Harry pricked his finger.

All Harry did, was stare at the blood on his finger and utter one word, “Bugger” before he collapsed to the floor in a deep sleep. As if on cue, Hermione and Ron sank to the floor as well, snoring their heads off –

Hermione: I don’t snore!

Ron: *covers up a comment with a cough*

Hermione: *bristles*

As if on cue, Hermione and Ron sank to the floor as well, snoring their heads off, and the rest of the castle followed suit. The thirteenth fairy was not pleased in the slightest. And who could blame him. He expected one good and dead heir to the kingdom of Gryffindor, not some brat sprawled on his feet and drooling with sleep.

Harry: *goes red* I don’t drool when I sleep.

Ron: *snickers and attempts to cover it up*

Harry: You know, you’d better quit while you’re ahead. Either I’m going to get you or ‘Mione is.

Ron: *tires to remain silent but fails*

Continuing on… the thirteenth fairy flew into a great snit over this. He tried Avada Kedavra (and nearly killed himself some how in the process of that too and left Harry with a curiously shaped cut on his brow) and a wide variety of other death inducing methods, but they all failed to work on young Harry. Finally at his wits end, the thirteenth fairy dumped Harry on the bed; if the brat wouldn’t die, then he’d make damned sure he never woke up. Then he placed an enchantment on the castle. There could b e a great big description of this, but to make matters simple, the area around the castle ended up looking like an overgrown hedge; an overgrown hedge with tons of spiky, prickly briars woven in. Another enchantment was placed over the land so that it would sleep as well. An enchantment of a fearful sort that –

Hermione: Shrek again?

All right, all right! An enchantment that only a mighty prince on a dashing white steed and a great big sword could overcome!

Lucius: *scowling* Any more puerile drivel in that vein, and I will see you dead Muggle.

Er… But it was a good long while before the Prince even did something. But what happened in Gryffindor became the stuff of legend in Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Since the thirteenth fairy’s enchantment over the land, it existed in a strange twilight that, honestly, creeped the inhabitants of the other countries out. And, for the moment, Slytherin had no interest in annexing such a weird place.

So it just stayed there for a good… oh year or so. Why a year or so? Well, because good King Lucius, ruler of the kingdom of Slytherin, present at the fiasco of a first birthday party for Harry was recently single. Why? He beheaded his nagging wife. Yes, he could have been divorced or even widowed, but isn’t that a bit overused? Besides, how often does the chance to use “single due to beheaded spouse’ crop up?

So the recently single King Lucius decided on a bold gamble. He would –

Harry: Wait a minute… you said Prince. Where’d this ‘King Lucius’ come from?

Lucius: Quiet. For once, this crazy Muggle author got something right in this fairytale gone wrong.

*frowns* This rendition is a work of art. Art, I say! *coughs and clears throat* King Lucius was obviously a Prince at one time and he simply upgraded the good old fashioned Slytherin way: through some blackmail, political maneuvering and was helped by a very timely assassination of the former King, his father.

And now that he was firmly in charge, he was looking to… negotiate for land. And there was the whole kingdom of Gryffindor just sitting right there. And no one else had attempted to break the enchantment on it. But he knew the basics of the legend: some person fast asleep in the castle tower, surrounded by an overgrown garden. The ride there would be easy, the overgrown garden would be easy to deal with.

All he would have to do was break the enchantment. And then he’d be able to pry a good piece of land from the brat’s parents, be they willing or not.

It didn’t take King Lucius long to propose the idea to his council. It took him even less time to eliminate his opposition and set out on his little quest.

The eerie twilight of Gryffindor greeted him as he rode in and he encountered almost no opposition. He found that the one thing he seriously underestimated was the “overgrown garden”. It was more like a mountain of vegetation. After drawing his wand and finding the mass impervious to a great variety of spells, he was forced to draw his ceremonial sword, mumble a sharpening spell and actually started hacking away at the vegetation.

Sweating, in any manner, was not how King Lucius had envisioned succeeding here. But he wasn’t about to let this prime opportunity pass.

So he hacked and chopped his way until he made it through the hedges and –

Hermione: Isn’t there supposed to be a dragon?

……This is not the saccharine Disney version, all right?

Hermione: *in a small voice* Oh.

Harry and Ron: *snicker*

So King Lucius finally made it through and found the courtyard full of people fast asleep at what they were doing. He curled a lip slightly and started moving through the castle looking for something that would break the enchantment.

That was when he met the second thing that made this little excursion more difficult than it rightly should have been. Right on the main staircase stood what looked like an ugly old hag in robes that were way too large and –

Severus: Am I the only one sensing am imminent fangirl moment about to seize the author?

Voldemort: She won’t be alive long to have another. Not unless she stops switching my bloody gender!

Fine! *pouts* There was an incredibly ugly snake man skulking at the top and glowering at King Lucius. Said king was already sweaty and vexed from simply having to sweat. He did not want to deal with the incredibly ugly snake man who was dressed like a kitschy diva.

Harry: So, not only did you play with his gender, you made him something of a cross-dresser to boot?

Hey, it’s all good. Anyway, King Lucius was not in the mood to deal with this. Not to mention the fact that the thirteenth fairy started walking down the stairs in a suitably villainous manner and had a very long prepared speech. So King Lucius patiently waited until the thirteenth, gender confused, cross-dressing fairy –

Voldemort: *snarls* Muggle……

Came to a dramatic halt a step away from King Lucius and pointed a finger at him, challenging him to single combat. The thirteenth fairy didn’t even wait for an acceptance, as he started prattling on about the rules. King Lucius had a much simpler solution to the entire dilemma.

Lucius: *looks mildly interested* Did I now?”

Oh yes. The thirteenth fairy departed in the same manner as recently deceased Queen Narcissa; head lopped right off in one stroke. The thirteenth fairy didn’t see it coming as he had just launched into a brand new speech about how he would slay King Lucius so thoroughly in single combat.

Harry: Wait a minute, Lucius just lopped off Voldemort’s head? Just like that? *looks at Lucius and bursts out laughing* Oh yeah, like he’d really do that!

Lucius: *small smirk* Glad you approve Mr. Potter.

Harry: Well, it’d be a whole lot easier than dealing with that prophecy.

Hermione: Speaking of that, Lucius shouldn’t have been able to –

Artistic bloody license, got it!? All right then. Now, with the thirteenth fairy finally slayed (meaning good and decapitated and thoroughly dead) King Lucius continued on his exploration of the castle. There could be big long descriptions of what he found but that’s not really necessary. What you need to know is that King Lucius found the same dusty old hallway and same dusty old staircase.

When he reached the top, he found two people in the middle of the door way in a heap. But he wasn’t paying any attention to them. King Lucius could just make out a figure on the bed. He strode into the room, looking around before making his way to the bed curtains and flinging them aside.

Severus: Brace yourselves.

Harry: *blinks* Eh?

Lucius: *grimaces*

Oh fine, I’ll humour you. There on the bed lay the most gorgeous man he’d ever laid eyes on. He knew right then in that one moment that he loved him and simply had to have him. He knelt down and kissed him gently. Harry’s eyes fluttered open and… oh who am I kidding. They kicked Hermione and Ron from the room and started shagging like rabid bunnies! Everybody lived happily ever after, the end!

Lucius: You have ten seconds in which to correct that and still live.

Harry: I’m with Lucius on this one. That was horrible, not to mention scary.

Severus: Fangirl much?

Leave me alone! One can dream! But no, the ending is not that tacky. No, King Lucius found himself facing a soundly sleeping and drooling Harry, heir to the kingdom of Gryffindor. Wonderful first meeting, no? He tried prodding him with the sword scabbard, he tried poking him, he even gave the young boy a hard nudge with his boot, all to no avail. Even when he leaned down and yelled in the closest ear, he got no reaction.

Finally after a good bit, he steeled himself, wiped away the drool from Harry’s mouth, closed it and kissed him lightly on the lips. Contrary to most myths, it was not some mushy moment when Harry’s eyes fluttered open and there were sweet nothings said and another chaste kiss.  
Oh no my friends, Harry woke up quite suddenly and found one very gorgeous man kissing him. That alone made his resist the urge to deck the King Lucius with one punch. So he kissed him back. And that’s were it goes from moderately PG up to R/NC-17ish.

The chaste little kiss that brought Harry back to life became a full fledged mini snog session. There were lips moving. There was panting. Tongue moved, hands moved, a whole lot of body parts moved as well. There was other stuff too that would make this an NC-17 fic, but that’s not for here, sorry my friends. Use your imagination. *grins*

And Hermione and Ron… well, they were only just getting up. It took them a few minutes to get up and realize there was a strange man snogging their best friend on the bed. Then they scrambled forward and literally pulled them apart. Harry wasn’t pleased. King Lucius wasn’t pleased. Ron cringed and didn’t know what to do. Hermione lectured and was ignored. All Harry wanted to do was shag the incredibly hot –

Harry: What? Do I look that easy or something?!

*rubs temples* Go back to snogging?

Harry: Yeah, that’ll do.

Hermione and Ron: Harry!!

Harry: What? Lucius is pretty damned hot.

Lucius: *preens*

Okay folks, it’s time for me to wrap this up. Harry wanted to snog the incredibly hot man some more. But they were both marched from the room like truant children. Coincidentally enough, all the preparations were done by the time they arrived in the main hallway where King James and Queen Lily were waiting. King James was not pleased to see King Lucius there. Or to find him and Harry looking soppily at –

Lucius: *clears throat*

Not good? All right then. Or to find him and Harry exchange hot, lustful glances at one another as if they couldn’t wait to get into a room together and –

Harry: *clears throat* Isn’t that a bit much?

Is it? There were no objections. All right, they were giving each other, uhm… *thinks for a bit* meaningful glances. King James didn’t like it one bit either way and he tried to hex King Lucius actually but that’s another story. The party went off without a hitch, save for King James trying to kill King Lucius, Queen Lily trying to calm him down and King Lucius flirting outrageously with Harry right in front of King James because he wanted to and he wanted to annoy his rival ruler.

Hermione: That was an awfully long sentence.

Yeah. I know. But it stays. So before long, Harry and King Lucius were dating, and then going through the whole courtship ritual thingy, with a resigned Queen Lily and King James gnashing his teeth fruitlessly. After a little bit longer, there was a big huge wedding on the border of Slytherin and Gryffindor when Harry and King Lucius got married.

King James tried to oppose it and was vehemently ignored by Harry and Queen Lily. King Lucius’ advisors tried to oppose it as well. So far as is known, they’re still missing and King Lucius found a much more agreeable council of advisors.

So the wedding went off without a hitch and –

Severus: Thank bloody Merlin.

Everyone else: *varying sounds of agreement*

They lived happily ever after. The end!


End file.
